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	Title: (Scorpion's Tale) Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: As Told by Scorpia
	Author: Scorpia
	Source: Computer Gaming World, v5(1)
	Date: January 1985
	Transcription by Steve Derby
	Transcribed by Steve Derby
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*WARNING! Scorpion's Tale contains hints on solving computer adventure games. If you
don't want help, don't read on.*

The New Year is with us! So, come on in, settle by the fire, and Fred will pour your
favorite beverage, while we celebrate what looks to be a good year for games. Ah, isn't
it nice to relax after the holiday rush? Don't get too comfortable, though; the chaos of of
the holidays was just a warm-up for what's coming next. So, pack your toothbrush, grab
your towel, get your thumb in gear, and above all: DON'T PANIC! as we go out for
a little galactic hitchhiking.

Hey Arthur, things don't look too cool for you at the moment. Not only have you woken
with one heavy hangover, there's a big yellow bulldozer bearing down on your happy home.
What are you gonna do about that?

Say what? You're not gonna take this lying down? Well, I hope you change your mind
about that, or you won't get too far in this adventure. That's better; now, why don't you
read something while you wait? Aha, here comes your buddy, Ford Prefect. Looks like
he has something on his mind, doesn't he? Strange he should turn up right now to return
your towel. I'd be suspicious of this, if I were you.

Ok, now he wants to buy you a drink or two (even more suspicious!). Well, why not? Free
drinks don't come along every day (and soon they won't be coming along at all, but you
don't know that... yet!). So, hop on over to the pub and quaff a few, but don't get carried
away; one hangover was enough! While you're there, you might want to look things
over, as Ford tells you that the end of the world is imminent (sure, Ford).

Crash! Arthur, I think that was your house. When you go back to make sure, remember
that this is also "Be Kind to Animals On the Last Day Of The World" Day. Hmmm, yep,
they tore down your house, no doubt about it! But hey, no need to worry; the rest of the
world is going to follow it, 'cause here come the Vogon constructor ships. I guess Ford
wasn't kidding, huh?

Don't panic! Ford just dropped his hitchhiking thumb; you're close enough to pick it
up, so you better do just that. When you push the right button, you'll find yourself in the
dark. Get used to that; you'll be visiting the dark a lot during the rest of the adventure.

It's kind of a dull place, the dark. You can't seem to do much of anything, at least for
awhile. So, keep cool, hang out, and remember that you have five senses (I hope you
remember what they are!).

That's better. You've made your way to the Vogon ship. And there, in the corner, sits the
Babel Fish dispenser. Innocent-looking thing, isn't it? I'll bet you didn't know that that
dispenser has been responsible for more gray hairs, more ulcers, more chewed disks, and
more frustration than all the puzzles in all the Zorks combined. Getting a Babel Fish into
your ear isn't as easy as you might have expected.

No need to panic, however. You can handle most of the task easily, I'm sure. Your real
nemesis is that unprintable upper-half-of-the-room cleaning robot. Right? Right! So, what
to do? Well Arthur, you need a little junk, and you have to send it to the UHOTR robot airmail.
Just make a deposit in the right place, and let the mechanical thingies do the work
for you. Wonderful! Now you're running around with this fish in your ear (wonder how
it manages to survive without water??).

At least now you can understand what other people (creatures?) are saying to or
about you. Ford is still snoozing, so why not investigate the rest of the hold? That glass
case sure looks interesting. Oops! The Vogon captain has just discovered you're on board,
and he's about to subject you to something almost too horrible to contemplate: genuine
Vogon poetry.

Forget it Arthur; struggling is useless. You're stuck in that Poetry Appreciation
Chair, and you're just gonna have to listen. And while you're listening, keep in mind that
a verse of poetry has four lines.

Hmmm, things seem to be getting worse. You survived the poetry, and now you're
about to be kicked out the airlock, into deep space (Arthur, this just ain't your day). Look
at the bright side: you have a chance to do something about the case while you wait.

Whoosh! Out you go... to be picked up 29 improbable seconds later by the famous
Heart of Gold (the HOG, for short). And here is where the fun really begins. You have to
be careful now, Arthur, 'cause at some points along the way, the program is gonna LIE to
you! Really!

Ok, you made it out of the dark and onto the bridge. After everyone sashays off to the
sauna, you go do some exploring. And this above all: consult the Guide about
EVERYTHING you find (except the tools; you don't have to ask about those, but you
can if you like). The Guide is the most valuable item you have. Use it!

Now that you've spent a little time collecting a few items, it's time to put some of them
together. This goes here, that goes there, and as for this thing, well, maybe it's best not to
attach that one; too many connections make for sparks.

All right, say a prayer and throw the switch. Uggh, you 're in the dark again. Well, you've
been here before, so you should know what to do. The thing is, Arthur, you may come
out of this as not quite yourself. Then again, you might. The dark is a pretty strange place!
So, I'm just going to give you a few hints about each of the situations you'll be finding
yourself (whomever you are) in as the game progresses.

The Bugblatter Beast. By all means, consult the Guide about this incredibly stupid
creature. Don't be shy about introducing yourself, although, in your place, I wouldn't
hang around in the lair too long. And don't let the memorial in the courtyard scare you;
it can come in handy!

Zaphod. First, give that boat a good looking-over. Second, the auto-pilot isn't just
for show, but you have to make it work for you. It's the guards that are the really tricky
part. Remember that Trillian is in this with you; she can be helpful at the right moment.

Ford. This is really deja vu! In fact, almost an instant replay. Remember to look in the
satchel carefully! It's also helpful to remember everything that happened at the
start of the game.

Trillian. This one is easy. Just take a good look at Arthur, and remember to otherwise
keep your hands full at all times.

War Room. Another easy one, if you were a good guy way back when Earth was still
there. Hang out, and you'll soon be inside your own brain. The thing to recall here is
that anyone with a particle of common sense in his head will never finish the game.

Now that you've gone through all this, maybe you should relax with a cup of real tea.
How's that sound, Arthur? Thought you'd agree. So, head for the Nutrimat, and brew
up a storm. Hmmmm... maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all. In fact, it looks like
the Nutrimat has just taken over the HOG's computer system... just as you're being attacked
by missiles from the legendary lost planet of Magrathea.

Dare I say it? Don't panic! There is a way out! Remember, this is an emergency situation!
Now might be the time to plug in all the way and go for it. Better hurry, Arthur, there
isn't much time left!

Whew! You made it... and the missiles have turned into... a whale??? Yep. And
guess where you're gonna have to go now? Hehehehehe! But first, why not check out the
Nutrimat? Sonuvagun! It finally made a cup of real tea for you! But wait!! Don't drink it
just yet. Take a good look at that tea! Does that give you any ideas? It better!

So, here you are, inside the whale (hey, don't knock it, Arthur, you've been in worse
places; remember that Poetry Appreciation Chair?). There seems to be a flowerpot here.
All you have to do is get out with it. Or, at least, get out, and have the pot come to you
later. You know how it is, Arthur; some things just keep turning up, no matter what you do.
Relatively speaking.

At last! Back on the HOG. The question is, what now? Well, if you've been consulting the
Guide about everything you've found, you have a pretty good idea of what the flowerpot
is for (keep in mind that it takes four to make one). A little patience, and a little semitropical
atmosphere, and you'll have some pretty strange fruit. Don't be afraid; take a
bite.

Ah, so! And now, Arthur, it's finally time for you to get past that Screening Door.
Think: what happened when you picked up the real tea? And what happened when you
dropped the real tea? Consult the Guide about intelligence, and you ought to know what you
have to do.

Good work! The door is pretty impressed! Still, with Marvin on the other side, you need
to do something first (such a depressing fellow (?), that Marvin). What you need is something
that will give you a little lift. Have anything like that handy?

Well Arthur, I think you can manage the rest of it on your own (as long as you can
count to twelve, that is!). It's been some trip, hasn't it? The only thing is, it seems that your
adventures are just beginning. Maybe you should have stayed on Earth, after all...

---

That's it for this column, but before we close the doors here at the Tale, I'd like to say
a few words about mail. U.S. Mail. The best thing I can say about it is that it tends to be
very erratic. I've gotten letters from California in three days, while a letter from Brooklyn
took a week, and yet I've also had mail from California that took almost as long to get here.
Two letters, both mailed on the same day from Illinois, arrived two days apart. And so
on.

I do my best to get replies to your questions off quickly; ninety percent of the time, I can
send a reply to you the day after I get your letter. But, your letter has to get here first.
So, if it seems that you've been waiting awhile for a response, remember that the mail service
isn't always very swift.

One more thing: answering mail is something I do on my own; I get nothing extra
for doing this, and my mailbox is maintained at my own expense. For that reason, I do
request that, if you live in the United States, and want a personal reply to your questions,
you must include a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Correspondents in foreign countries
(yes, I've gotten mail from as far away as Africa and Thailand!) do not have to include
return postage (US stamps are hard to come by!), but please do include a self-addressed
envelope.

The address for US Mail is: Scorpia, P.O. Box 338, Gracie Station, New York, NY 10028

If you are on The Source, you may send SMAIL to: ST1030. If you are on CompuServe,
GO GAM310.

Happy Adventuring!

This column is copyrighted © 1985 by Scorpia, all rights reserved.
