<!--
	Title: Mail Bag
	Source: New Zork Times, v4(2)
	Date: Spring 1985
	Transcription by Steve Derby
-->

**To "Max the Knife" Dornbrook:**

You know, Max, back when you were running the Zork Users Group
(ahh, for the good old days) you were a real down to earth guy. But
since you were hired at Infocom and given a cushy job as Product Manager
(sneer) you seem to have forgotten about the little people (i.e., the
type of people that CompuNews [double-sneer] ignores in its polls).
And what the little people want is yaks. Back in the Fall 1984 issue
when you started printing Yak Facts, I hoped that you might come down
off your high horse long enough to do something to correct the severe
paucity of yak news in computer gaming newsletters. But then you go
and cancel the Yak Facts. It's still not too late, Max, and if you correct this
grievous error the little people may just go back to calling you Mike.

On the lighter side, I would like to congratulate everyone at Infocom for
their successes. So far I have played eleven games and have enjoyed them
all very much, except that a yak doesn't appear in a single one! Anyway,
keep up the good work.

<p class="bold right">Mike Zulauf</p>

P.S. Please print this in *The New Zork Times*; this must be brought out
in the open!

**Dear Editor:**

I just received my Winter 1985 edition of *The New Zork Times*, and,
needless to say, I was excited. I look forward to each and every issue. But
as I read this one, I saw the most distressing headline I have ever read:
"Max Sacks Yak Facts." How could you do this?? If your defense is the
survey mentioned, I must remind you that the average Zorker is not like the
average person in a magazine survey. Some people actually rely upon yak
facts for their very existence. I therefore believe that I speak for many
other NZT readers when I say THE WORLD NEEDS MORE YAK
FACTS! Perhaps even an interactive yak game is in order. To demonstrate
the importance of the yak in daily life, I have included these facts that
need desperately to be more widely known:

1) The typical yak is much, much larger than the typical housecat (and
much, much more useful).
2) Well-instructed yaks can be used for such purposes as transportation,
grinding coffee, and dragging large rocks through marshy fields.
3) If purchased for business purposes, yaks can become tax
exemptions.

These are just a few of the important things that your readers could
benefit from in the "Yak Facts" column. But fortunately, this omission
is but a very minor (and hopefully temporary) flaw in your
terrific newsletter and line of interactive fiction.

<p class="bold right">James Funkhouser</p>

**Dear Info-Folks or editor (as you please):**

Recently, upon arrival of your Winter '85 issue of *The New Zork
Times*, my wife and I were surprised by the scathing article, "Max Sacks
Yak Facts." We were shocked! I guess we fall into the lonely 0.1%
who like to read "a significant amount about yaks."

It seemed so long ago that we were delighted by these Yak Facts in the
Fall '84 issue. The Mrs. and I were sure that the new issue would hold
more of these wondrous facts, only to be slapped in the face by your
yak-hating editors.

So a final farewell to those good ole days of yak (?), we offer these
final bits of yak facts:

Did you know that...

...Flood Control Dam #3 is as tall as 42 large bull yaks.

...a good yak can be purchased for less than 200 zorkmids.

...the word "yak" can be worth up to 30 points in Scrabble™ (sorry, this
is from the pre-Zork days.)

<p class="bold right">W. Scott Kardel</p>

P.S. Why are there no yaks in the topiary?

**Ode to a Planetfall Player**

Planetfall is a wonderful game,<br>
After I played it, I wasn't the same.<br>
The Stellar Patrol is invincible,<br>
With their ships made of steel and lead.<br>
Their motto is: To Boldly Go<br>
Where Angels Fear To Tread.

**Ode to a Zork Player**

The roses have lost their luster,<br>
And I have lost my love.<br>
The heavens have lost their moonlight,<br>
And all the stars above.<br>
The sky is plagued with darkness,<br>
The orchids rot with rue.<br>
The world is dark and meaningless,<br>
I've been eaten by a grue.

<p class="right"><strong>—Jared A. Sorensen</strong><br>
(sixth grade)</p>

Beneath the rug my adventure began<br>
The way was fraught with danger and reward<br>
Vanquish a troll and find the shadow man<br>
A score of treasure found, safely stored.<br>
Unto the Wizard's realm I then did go,<br>
Melting the great dragon to gain the key.<br>
Turn out the light and follow the dim glow<br>
Open the door, a well fought victory!<br>
The quest however is not at an end,<br>
The Dungeon Master waits with clever tricks,<br>
Defeat him and with none do you contend,<br>
Deep in the heart contentment does transfix.<br>
Thus the end of my odyssey draws nigh<br>
I finish proud of deed and spirits high.<br>

<p class="bold right">—John Betz</p>

'Tis sad I am<br>
That my new disc<br>
Has ceased to boot<br>
Oh tsk Oh tsk<br>
I used it once<br>
On Christmas Day<br>
Now it won't work<br>
When I would play<br>
If I have caused<br>
The tribulation<br>
By careless disk drive<br>
Operation<br>
Then I must pay<br>
The dollars five<br>
If once again<br>
I wish to strive<br>
To beat Suspended<br>
With aplomb

I NEED THE HELP OF INFOCOM

**—Bryan Hubbard**


Zorkers are great, Zorkers are cool,<br>
Zorkers know not to swim in the pool.<br>
Zorkers are clever, sneaky, and sly,<br>
And only Zorkers know why...<br>
When to come in, when to go out,<br>
What to do in case of a bout<br>
Between trolls, thieves, dragons, and bats,<br>
And how to use the old place mats.<br>
We travel the land, the water, and air,<br>
And rely on intelligence in case of a scare.<br>
We do many things, no matter the risk,<br>
And to think this great world is just on a disk.<br>
We have conquered the thief, dragon, and troll,<br>
But our final challenge will be my goal.<br>
To reach the master, as he sits in his seat,<br>
The man, all this time, I've wanted to meet.<br>
Will he praise me, slay me or call me a rookie?<br>
Will he reach in his pocket and give me a cookie<br>
For the very hard job of reaching his house?<br>
Will he kick me out? Turn me into a mouse?<br>
I guess time will tell in this situation<br>
I just hope I can stand all the frustration!<br>
I am not giving up, Master, you'll see<br>
With the trouble you've caused me,<br>
you won't get off free!<br>
I now leave these meaningful lines of verse,<br>
For, without Zork, life would be much worse!

<p class="right"><strong>—Eric Larson</strong><br>
(age 16)</p>
